Everything&Nothing: A Collection of Thoughts

There's a strange kind of loneliness that no one really prepares you for. It's not the loneliness of being disliked. It's the loneliness of realizing that people can genuinely enjoy your company, laugh at your jokes, hug you when they see you, ask how you've been... and still never think to include you in their day. That realization doesn't happen all at once. It sneaks up on you. One day you notice that your phone hasn't buzzed all afternoon. Then you realize it hasn't buzzed much all week. You send a meme to someone because it reminded you of them. They leave it on read. You wake up on Saturday morning, glance at your notifications, and there isn't a single message asking what you're up to. Not because anyone is angry with you. Not because you've done anything wrong. Just... because. When we're young, friendship is built on proximity. School puts us together. Sports put us together. We spend entire summers wandering neighborhood...

People tell you not to dwell on the past. I understand why. You can't live there. You can't change it. You can't build tomorrow by staring at yesterday. But they never tell you what to do when yesterday is where all the people still are. You look back and every empty space in your life used to be occupied. Weeknights weren't quiet. Weekends weren't something to survive. There was always a phone call, a friend knocking at the door, a last minute plan, a reason to leave the house. Back then, you complained you were bored. Now you'd give almost anything to be that bored again. The funny thing about getting older is that life doesn't just take people away. It teaches you. It teaches you not to spend money you don't have. It teaches you to be careful with your heart. It teaches you that some risks aren't worth taking twice. Little by little, you become wiser. Little by little, you become smaller. Payday used to mean possibility. Now it means b...

I met this woman that I really admire. She's sweet. She's smart. She's strong. And I admire her in ways I don't think she understands. I'm glad we met. I'm glad we've talked and gotten to know each other, even if only a little. But at the same time... I'm saddened by the thought that she's been scarred and hurt so many times in ways that should have never happened to begin with. Especially by people who looked at her and told her they cared. I'm not a perfect man. I make mistakes. I always will. But unfortunately... to some degree or another... I have to carry their sins. Because at this point, she doesn't want a relationship. She doesn't miss it. She doesn't want it. And I understand why. Who would miss being in a relationship when most of the relationships you've been in have been controlling... manipulative... abusive? Who wants to go back to something that's hurt them more often than it's loved them? Who wa...

Some people have a beautiful smile. Hers is different. It's the kind that stays with you long after she's gone. The kind that finds its way back when you're driving home from work, and before you even realize it, you're smiling too. It's the kind of smile you'd drive a hundred miles through the middle of the night just to see. The kind that makes a bad day feel a little less heavy. The kind that quiets the noise in your head without saying a single word. She's got the kind of smile that, when it's gone, you feel it. You notice it before anyone else. You wonder what's weighing on her mind. You catch yourself searching for the smallest reason to bring it back. Not because she owes it to the world. But because the world just seems a little brighter when it's there. It's Christmas morning before the wrapping paper hits the floor. It's the first warm day after a long winter. It's hearing your favorite song when you didn't e...

I came across a post the other day that asked a simple question: "At this point in your life, do you still believe your person is out here?" The more I thought about it, the more I realized my answer wasn't yes. It wasn't no, either. It was... I don't know. Not because I've stopped believing in love, but because I've reached a point where even finding a dependable friend feels difficult. People hear that and immediately assume you're talking about romance. I'm not. I'm talking about something much smaller. A text message. A phone call. Someone saying, "Hey, you want to play a game tonight?" or "You want to grab something to eat this weekend?" Nothing grand. Nothing dramatic. Just someone thinking about you without you having to remind them you exist. When you're younger, friendships happen almost automatically. School, work, college, mutual friends. You're constantly around people, so connection doesn...

When I was younger, I used to look forward to Saturdays. Even into my twenties, even my early thirties, the weekend meant something. It meant plans. It meant possibility. It meant somebody calling and asking, "What are we doing tonight?" Then life happened. The people you used to spend every weekend with found partners. Had kids. Started families. Built lives that naturally filled their calendars. Before you realize it, everybody has somewhere to be on Saturday. Everybody except you. At first, it doesn't seem so bad. You learn how to entertain yourself. You go to the movies alone. You eat at restaurants alone. You take little road trips just because you can. There's nobody waiting on you. Nobody expecting you home. Nobody asking where you've been. It feels like freedom. For a while. Then, somewhere along the way, that freedom quietly changes shape. It stops feeling like freedom and starts feeling like a prison with invisible walls. You get tired of exp...