Everything&Nothing: A Collection of Thoughts

When I was younger, I used to look forward to Saturdays. Even into my twenties, even my early thirties, the weekend meant something. It meant plans. It meant possibility. It meant somebody calling and asking, "What are we doing tonight?" Then life happened. The people you used to spend every weekend with found partners. Had kids. Started families. Built lives that naturally filled their calendars. Before you realize it, everybody has somewhere to be on Saturday. Everybody except you. At first, it doesn't seem so bad. You learn how to entertain yourself. You go to the movies alone. You eat at restaurants alone. You take little road trips just because you can. There's nobody waiting on you. Nobody expecting you home. Nobody asking where you've been. It feels like freedom. For a while. Then, somewhere along the way, that freedom quietly changes shape. It stops feeling like freedom and starts feeling like a prison with invisible walls. You get tired of exp...

You ever take the long way somewhere simply because you ain't got nowhere to be? Nobody's texting your phone.  Nobody's asking you to hang out.  Nobody's expecting you anytime soon. So you take the long way. Not because it's faster.  Not because it's prettier.  Just because it takes more time. More time before you have to pull back into the driveway.  More time before those four walls remind you that you're alone. In a strange way, it feels like you're putting distance between yourself and the loneliness, even though you know it'll be waiting when you get back. The older you get, the more you realize how quickly people's lives fill up. Kids. Families. Careers. Other friends. When you're single, you don't really want to do the "single people" stuff anymore because what you really want is someone to share your life with. And your friends in relationships? They're building lives of their own. As they should. So you ...

That's simple. Because you captivate me. You make me want to know how your day's going. You make me wonder if, when you're sitting by yourself, you think about me and smile. Why you? Because listening to you talk soothes me. Talking to you is one of the easiest things in the world. When you talk about the things that matter to you, I hear the emotion in your voice. I hear the passion behind your words. You're a good person. Why you? Because being in your presence feels warm. It feels right. Why you? Because I like you. And more than anything, I just want the chance to get to know you. To see who you are beyond the conversations we've had. To see if there might be... even just a friendship. Why you? Because you're you.

I don't know if I should text you because I don't know if seeing my name light up on your phone makes you smile. There are times I want to pick up the phone and call you... but I don't know if that's okay. I don't want to take up more room in your life than I'm supposed to. So I don't know if I should text you. Or call you. Or ask you to hang out. Because as much as I want to... I don't know how any of it is being received. When you're getting to know somebody... there's always that moment where you stop wondering if you should... and you just know. Maybe it's an unprompted good morning. Maybe it's a random phone call after work. Maybe it's a meme at midnight because something  made them think of you. Something. Anything. I'm more than happy to reach across the void. I just don't know if I should. Because reaching across that void... means somebody has to reach back. Not every time. Not the same way. Just... e noug...

How do you tell somebody you like that you think about them all the time without sounding crazy? How do you tell somebody you like that every time they smile, your day gets just a little bit brighter? How do you tell somebody you like that the quiet moments somehow mean the most? That sitting beside them in comfortable silence can say more than an entire conversation ever could? How do you tell somebody you like these things without sounding like too much? Without sounding needy. Without sounding clingy. Without sounding like you're rushing toward something that isn't there yet. It's not that I need to tell them. It's not that I have to. It's that I want to. I want them to know that I genuinely enjoy who they are. I want to know their personality, their spirit, their strengths, and even the parts of themselves they try to hide. I want to know what makes them laugh until they can't breathe. What makes them smile without thinking. What makes them retre...

I think somewhere along the way, I stopped looking for the ending. Life has a funny way of teaching you that the moments we spend chasing are rarely the ones we end up missing. These days... I'd rather know how your day went. Not just the exciting parts. Tell me the part of your day that nobody asks about. The song you played twice. The wrong turn that somehow made you laugh. The little story you almost didn't tell because you didn't think it mattered. Those are the things I'd remember. If you need to run errands, I'll come with you. If you feel like taking a drive, I'll grab my keys. Truth is... I don't really care where we end up. I've started believing it was never about getting somewhere. It was always the conversation. The laughter. The quiet moments that somehow never felt quiet at all. Funny how life keeps simplifying things. What I want... is much simpler than that. I don't need all the answers today. I don't need to know what...