Everything&Nothing: A Collection of Thoughts

Some people have a beautiful smile. Hers is different. It's the kind that stays with you long after she's gone. The kind that finds its way back when you're driving home from work, and before you even realize it, you're smiling too. It's the kind of smile you'd drive a hundred miles through the middle of the night just to see. The kind that makes a bad day feel a little less heavy. The kind that quiets the noise in your head without saying a single word. She's got the kind of smile that, when it's gone, you feel it. You notice it before anyone else. You wonder what's weighing on her mind. You catch yourself searching for the smallest reason to bring it back. Not because she owes it to the world. But because the world just seems a little brighter when it's there. It's Christmas morning before the wrapping paper hits the floor. It's the first warm day after a long winter. It's hearing your favorite song when you didn't e...

I came across a post the other day that asked a simple question: "At this point in your life, do you still believe your person is out here?" The more I thought about it, the more I realized my answer wasn't yes. It wasn't no, either. It was... I don't know. Not because I've stopped believing in love, but because I've reached a point where even finding a dependable friend feels difficult. People hear that and immediately assume you're talking about romance. I'm not. I'm talking about something much smaller. A text message. A phone call. Someone saying, "Hey, you want to play a game tonight?" or "You want to grab something to eat this weekend?" Nothing grand. Nothing dramatic. Just someone thinking about you without you having to remind them you exist. When you're younger, friendships happen almost automatically. School, work, college, mutual friends. You're constantly around people, so connection doesn...

When I was younger, I used to look forward to Saturdays. Even into my twenties, even my early thirties, the weekend meant something. It meant plans. It meant possibility. It meant somebody calling and asking, "What are we doing tonight?" Then life happened. The people you used to spend every weekend with found partners. Had kids. Started families. Built lives that naturally filled their calendars. Before you realize it, everybody has somewhere to be on Saturday. Everybody except you. At first, it doesn't seem so bad. You learn how to entertain yourself. You go to the movies alone. You eat at restaurants alone. You take little road trips just because you can. There's nobody waiting on you. Nobody expecting you home. Nobody asking where you've been. It feels like freedom. For a while. Then, somewhere along the way, that freedom quietly changes shape. It stops feeling like freedom and starts feeling like a prison with invisible walls. You get tired of exp...

You ever take the long way somewhere simply because you ain't got nowhere to be? Nobody's texting your phone.  Nobody's asking you to hang out.  Nobody's expecting you anytime soon. So you take the long way. Not because it's faster.  Not because it's prettier.  Just because it takes more time. More time before you have to pull back into the driveway.  More time before those four walls remind you that you're alone. In a strange way, it feels like you're putting distance between yourself and the loneliness, even though you know it'll be waiting when you get back. The older you get, the more you realize how quickly people's lives fill up. Kids. Families. Careers. Other friends. When you're single, you don't really want to do the "single people" stuff anymore because what you really want is someone to share your life with. And your friends in relationships? They're building lives of their own. As they should. So you ...

That's simple. Because you captivate me. You make me want to know how your day's going. You make me wonder if, when you're sitting by yourself, you think about me and smile. Why you? Because listening to you talk soothes me. Talking to you is one of the easiest things in the world. When you talk about the things that matter to you, I hear the emotion in your voice. I hear the passion behind your words. You're a good person. Why you? Because being in your presence feels warm. It feels right. Why you? Because I like you. And more than anything, I just want the chance to get to know you. To see who you are beyond the conversations we've had. To see if there might be... even just a friendship. Why you? Because you're you.

I don't know if I should text you because I don't know if seeing my name light up on your phone makes you smile. There are times I want to pick up the phone and call you... but I don't know if that's okay. I don't want to take up more room in your life than I'm supposed to. So I don't know if I should text you. Or call you. Or ask you to hang out. Because as much as I want to... I don't know how any of it is being received. When you're getting to know somebody... there's always that moment where you stop wondering if you should... and you just know. Maybe it's an unprompted good morning. Maybe it's a random phone call after work. Maybe it's a meme at midnight because something  made them think of you. Something. Anything. I'm more than happy to reach across the void. I just don't know if I should. Because reaching across that void... means somebody has to reach back. Not every time. Not the same way. Just... e noug...