Everything&Nothing: A Collection of Thoughts

I don't dream about weddings. I dream about Tuesday. About hearing, "I'm on my way home." About picking up two dinners without having to ask. About someone saving me the last slice, because they knew I'd want it. People think loneliness is an empty house. It isn't. Loneliness is realizing everyone you love already has somewhere they're supposed to be. And you're grateful they let you visit. But eventually... you go home. Alone. I don't dream about forever. I dream about having just one ordinary Tuesday where nobody has to leave.

People always assume that when you're single, you're looking for love. Marriage . Sex. A relationship. A future. Sometimes it isn't any of those things. Sometimes you just want someone to enjoy your company enough to want to do it again. That's it. Not because you're trying to move in. Not because you're trying to play house. Not because you're planning your future together. Just because it feels good knowing that somebody genuinely enjoys being around you. The older I get, the more I realize that's the part people overlook. Loneliness isn't always about sleeping in an empty bed. Sometimes it's eating dinner alone for the fifth night this week. Sometimes it's realizing your phone hasn't buzzed all day. Sometimes it's wondering if anybody would even notice if you disappeared for a weekend. And sometimes it's something as simple as asking someone if they'd like to grab dinner again. If they say yes, great. If they sa...

Summer came back around like it always does same sun same heat same sky stretched just a little too long …but it doesn’t feel like mine anymore It used to Back when days didn’t end they just slipped into night when the light finally let go Back when you didn’t check the time you just ran with it Feet hitting pavement hot enough to sting lungs burning like catching your breath meant losing something So you didn’t You kept going Sweat in your eyes dirt on your hands grass stains that didn’t matter Nothing did Except right now Everything felt bigger then colder sweeter louder like the world hadn’t learned how to rush yet We stayed out we pushed it we stretched every second thin And when the light started fading —that was it— That quiet shift You knew Run Race the street lights don’t get caught don’t be late don’t let the day end without you Run Like losing meant something Like if you didn’t make it back in time you left a piece of it behind … Nobody tells you which summer is t...

I met this girl playing Zombies. Not at a bar. Not through Tinder. Not because some algorithm decided we’d make “a great match.” I was literally minding my business, shooting digital corpses in the face. She sent me a friend request afterward and asked if I wanted to run it back. I said sure. She wanted to hit round 50. I’d done it before, so why not? Simple. Except then we played again the next day. And the next day. And the next day. And before long, something weird happened. Not “we fell madly in love” weird. Worse. We became comfortable. The Modern Relationship Nobody Knows How to Define People act like intimacy only exists once somebody says: “I like you.” That’s bullshit. Intimacy starts way before that. It starts in routines. Daily messages. Inside jokes. Discord calls that stay open while both people are doing entirely different things. Watching movies together. Sending each other random reels. Being the person someone talks to when life gets heavy. That’s not nothi...

If there were a way to forget you, I think I’d take it. Not out of anger— you were never something I needed to erase. You were… good. And that’s the problem. Because now everything feels like it’s missing something I can’t get back. The world didn’t fall apart— it just dimmed. Like someone turned the color down and left me here to notice. I don’t want to forget you. I just don’t want to feel the space you left behind. Because you weren’t just there— you made things feel… alright. You made the silence less loud. The days less empty. And now it’s all back. That quiet. That gray. That weight that doesn’t go away. If there were a way to forget— I would. Not because I didn’t care… but because I still do.

Sometimes I want to touch the edge of the abyss to feel the serenity of its deafening silence the cold of nothing where sanity thins and madness feels the same It calls to me not loud never loud just a whisper that sounds like relief I know what it is I know what it takes but I owe it in the end I always will And still I wonder what a single touch would feel like