The Moment It Changes

-
There’s a moment where things change.
Not loudly.
Not dramatically.
Just… quietly.
And once it happens, there’s no going back to what it was before.
It’s hard knowing she only wants to be gaming friends.
But it’s harder knowing she knows how I feel.
Because now everything has this unspoken layer over it.
Now it’s not just me pretending.
It’s both of us.
I have to act like I don’t feel what I feel.
And she has to act like she doesn’t know that I do.
She has to keep me at a distance.
Keep things contained.
Keep it from becoming anything more than what she already decided it is.
Even if she doesn’t say it out loud… it’s there.
You can feel it.
And that’s the part that sucks.
Because I didn’t want things to change.
I didn’t.
If anything, I wanted to protect what we had.
And yeah… there’s a part of me that wants to say “I’m sorry.”
But for what?
For recognizing something real?
For seeing her for who she is and wanting more than just passing time in a lobby?
That doesn’t feel like something I should apologize for.
The truth is, I wasn’t even there yet.
I wasn’t about to jump into anything.
I wasn’t trying to force something that didn’t make sense.
She lives hours away.
She’s got her own history, her own experiences.
All I wanted was time.
To be intentional.
To actually get to know each other beyond just gaming.
Because she’s not just “someone I play with.”
She’s the kind of person that makes you want more.
But now that option is gone before it ever really started.
She saw it coming… and shut the door before I even got there.
And I get it.
I do.
But that doesn’t make it any easier to sit with.
Because now I’m stuck in this space where I still value her being in my life…
but I don’t know how to exist in it anymore.
It feels like a point of no return.
Not because anything bad happened…
but because something got said without being said.
And once that’s out there, you can’t un-know it.
You can’t un-feel it.
You can only… work around it.
And the part that really gets to me?
The thing I didn’t want to lose…
now feels like it might slip away faster because of how I feel about it.
It’s about 4:15 in the morning.
And I’m laying here wishing there was some clean solution.
Some way to talk about it without breaking it.
Some way to keep it without shrinking what I feel.
Because the truth is simple.
I’m scared to lose her.
I just don’t know how not to.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Before Forty

-
  Before Forty I don’t fear dying.  Not really.  I fear reaching the end  and realizing I never started. I’m 37.  Closer to 40 than I ever meant to be.  Broke.  Bruised.  Built from choices I can’t undo  and dreams I can’t afford to chase. I’ve done things—  real things.  But the world shrugs,  like silence is a verdict  and struggle means failure. Every year feels shorter.  Like time’s picking up speed  just to spite me.  And the mirror—  it doesn’t mock me,  it just waits.  As if even my reflection’s unsure  if I’ll get where I’m going. No trophies.  No applause.  No one keeping score but me.  And I’m tired of pretending the game’s still fair. There’s a shadow  that follows me lately—  not death,  but something quieter.  Like the ghost of the life I thought I’d live,  haunting the one I actually am. Still,  I wake up.  Still write. ...
Read more

If you haven't bought any glassware for your flower

-
Image
Let's face it, there's just something nostalgic about rolling your flower, but sometimes it can be a hassle. For instance, how many times have you gone to the store to buy a wrap, get home, open it up, and that bad boy pretty much turned to dust as soon as you got to breaking it down? You know the second one isn't going to be much better, and if you messed around and got a 5-pack, you're probably stuck trying to piece together enough of the leaves to make a passable blunt, but it was without a lot of effort. Smoking shouldn't be that hard, like, ever and that's one of the reasons you should buy glassware or a pipe. It's way more convenient to just grind up some flower and put it in a bowl than it is to do all that rolling and I know some glass pieces can be very expensive, but if you think about how much money you'll save on rolling papers and stale wraps, you'll realize that a one time purchase can save you hundreds of dollars and the headache of de...
Read more

Not Her First

-
Image
“Not Her First” by Me, who tried anyway I wasn’t looking for perfect— just someone who saw me before the world had a chance to talk her out of it. I liked her. Not the kind of like you tell your boys about, but the kind that makes you rethink your preferences, your politics, your past just to meet someone where they are. She didn’t ask for that. But I gave it anyway. I wasn’t obsessed. Just… curious. Hopeful. Quietly wondering if maybe, this time, I wouldn’t be an almost. But the silence came anyway— slow at first, then louder than any goodbye. No closure. No reason. Just a slow fade into “seen” messages and the quiet grief of being easy to walk away from. I told her I’d be fine just being friends. And she couldn’t even bother with that. Maybe I wasn’t her first choice. Or second. Or even a passing thought by the end. But I was honest. I was present. I was real. And maybe that’s the saddest part of all— Real never seems to be enough for someone still chasing something shini...
Read more