Everything&Nothing: A Collection of Thoughts

There's a strange kind of loneliness that no one really prepares you for. It's not the loneliness of being disliked. It's the loneliness of realizing that people can genuinely enjoy your company, laugh at your jokes, hug you when they see you, ask how you've been... and still never think to include you in their day. That realization doesn't happen all at once. It sneaks up on you. One day you notice that your phone hasn't buzzed all afternoon. Then you realize it hasn't buzzed much all week. You send a meme to someone because it reminded you of them. They leave it on read. You wake up on Saturday morning, glance at your notifications, and there isn't a single message asking what you're up to. Not because anyone is angry with you. Not because you've done anything wrong. Just... because. When we're young, friendship is built on proximity. School puts us together. Sports put us together. We spend entire summers wandering neighborhood...

People tell you not to dwell on the past. I understand why. You can't live there. You can't change it. You can't build tomorrow by staring at yesterday. But they never tell you what to do when yesterday is where all the people still are. You look back and every empty space in your life used to be occupied. Weeknights weren't quiet. Weekends weren't something to survive. There was always a phone call, a friend knocking at the door, a last minute plan, a reason to leave the house. Back then, you complained you were bored. Now you'd give almost anything to be that bored again. The funny thing about getting older is that life doesn't just take people away. It teaches you. It teaches you not to spend money you don't have. It teaches you to be careful with your heart. It teaches you that some risks aren't worth taking twice. Little by little, you become wiser. Little by little, you become smaller. Payday used to mean possibility. Now it means b...

I met this woman that I really admire. She's sweet. She's smart. She's strong. And I admire her in ways I don't think she understands. I'm glad we met. I'm glad we've talked and gotten to know each other, even if only a little. But at the same time... I'm saddened by the thought that she's been scarred and hurt so many times in ways that should have never happened to begin with. Especially by people who looked at her and told her they cared. I'm not a perfect man. I make mistakes. I always will. But unfortunately... to some degree or another... I have to carry their sins. Because at this point, she doesn't want a relationship. She doesn't miss it. She doesn't want it. And I understand why. Who would miss being in a relationship when most of the relationships you've been in have been controlling... manipulative... abusive? Who wants to go back to something that's hurt them more often than it's loved them? Who wa...

Some people have a beautiful smile. Hers is different. It's the kind that stays with you long after she's gone. The kind that finds its way back when you're driving home from work, and before you even realize it, you're smiling too. It's the kind of smile you'd drive a hundred miles through the middle of the night just to see. The kind that makes a bad day feel a little less heavy. The kind that quiets the noise in your head without saying a single word. She's got the kind of smile that, when it's gone, you feel it. You notice it before anyone else. You wonder what's weighing on her mind. You catch yourself searching for the smallest reason to bring it back. Not because she owes it to the world. But because the world just seems a little brighter when it's there. It's Christmas morning before the wrapping paper hits the floor. It's the first warm day after a long winter. It's hearing your favorite song when you didn't e...

I came across a post the other day that asked a simple question: "At this point in your life, do you still believe your person is out here?" The more I thought about it, the more I realized my answer wasn't yes. It wasn't no, either. It was... I don't know. Not because I've stopped believing in love, but because I've reached a point where even finding a dependable friend feels difficult. People hear that and immediately assume you're talking about romance. I'm not. I'm talking about something much smaller. A text message. A phone call. Someone saying, "Hey, you want to play a game tonight?" or "You want to grab something to eat this weekend?" Nothing grand. Nothing dramatic. Just someone thinking about you without you having to remind them you exist. When you're younger, friendships happen almost automatically. School, work, college, mutual friends. You're constantly around people, so connection doesn...

When I was younger, I used to look forward to Saturdays. Even into my twenties, even my early thirties, the weekend meant something. It meant plans. It meant possibility. It meant somebody calling and asking, "What are we doing tonight?" Then life happened. The people you used to spend every weekend with found partners. Had kids. Started families. Built lives that naturally filled their calendars. Before you realize it, everybody has somewhere to be on Saturday. Everybody except you. At first, it doesn't seem so bad. You learn how to entertain yourself. You go to the movies alone. You eat at restaurants alone. You take little road trips just because you can. There's nobody waiting on you. Nobody expecting you home. Nobody asking where you've been. It feels like freedom. For a while. Then, somewhere along the way, that freedom quietly changes shape. It stops feeling like freedom and starts feeling like a prison with invisible walls. You get tired of exp...

You ever take the long way somewhere simply because you ain't got nowhere to be? Nobody's texting your phone.  Nobody's asking you to hang out.  Nobody's expecting you anytime soon. So you take the long way. Not because it's faster.  Not because it's prettier.  Just because it takes more time. More time before you have to pull back into the driveway.  More time before those four walls remind you that you're alone. In a strange way, it feels like you're putting distance between yourself and the loneliness, even though you know it'll be waiting when you get back. The older you get, the more you realize how quickly people's lives fill up. Kids. Families. Careers. Other friends. When you're single, you don't really want to do the "single people" stuff anymore because what you really want is someone to share your life with. And your friends in relationships? They're building lives of their own. As they should. So you ...

That's simple. Because you captivate me. You make me want to know how your day's going. You make me wonder if, when you're sitting by yourself, you think about me and smile. Why you? Because listening to you talk soothes me. Talking to you is one of the easiest things in the world. When you talk about the things that matter to you, I hear the emotion in your voice. I hear the passion behind your words. You're a good person. Why you? Because being in your presence feels warm. It feels right. Why you? Because I like you. And more than anything, I just want the chance to get to know you. To see who you are beyond the conversations we've had. To see if there might be... even just a friendship. Why you? Because you're you.

I don't know if I should text you because I don't know if seeing my name light up on your phone makes you smile. There are times I want to pick up the phone and call you... but I don't know if that's okay. I don't want to take up more room in your life than I'm supposed to. So I don't know if I should text you. Or call you. Or ask you to hang out. Because as much as I want to... I don't know how any of it is being received. When you're getting to know somebody... there's always that moment where you stop wondering if you should... and you just know. Maybe it's an unprompted good morning. Maybe it's a random phone call after work. Maybe it's a meme at midnight because something  made them think of you. Something. Anything. I'm more than happy to reach across the void. I just don't know if I should. Because reaching across that void... means somebody has to reach back. Not every time. Not the same way. Just... e noug...

How do you tell somebody you like that you think about them all the time without sounding crazy? How do you tell somebody you like that every time they smile, your day gets just a little bit brighter? How do you tell somebody you like that the quiet moments somehow mean the most? That sitting beside them in comfortable silence can say more than an entire conversation ever could? How do you tell somebody you like these things without sounding like too much? Without sounding needy. Without sounding clingy. Without sounding like you're rushing toward something that isn't there yet. It's not that I need to tell them. It's not that I have to. It's that I want to. I want them to know that I genuinely enjoy who they are. I want to know their personality, their spirit, their strengths, and even the parts of themselves they try to hide. I want to know what makes them laugh until they can't breathe. What makes them smile without thinking. What makes them retre...

I think somewhere along the way, I stopped looking for the ending. Life has a funny way of teaching you that the moments we spend chasing are rarely the ones we end up missing. These days... I'd rather know how your day went. Not just the exciting parts. Tell me the part of your day that nobody asks about. The song you played twice. The wrong turn that somehow made you laugh. The little story you almost didn't tell because you didn't think it mattered. Those are the things I'd remember. If you need to run errands, I'll come with you. If you feel like taking a drive, I'll grab my keys. Truth is... I don't really care where we end up. I've started believing it was never about getting somewhere. It was always the conversation. The laughter. The quiet moments that somehow never felt quiet at all. Funny how life keeps simplifying things. What I want... is much simpler than that. I don't need all the answers today. I don't need to know what...

I don't dream about weddings. I dream about Tuesday. About hearing, "I'm on my way home." About picking up two dinners without having to ask. About someone saving me the last slice, because they knew I'd want it. People think loneliness is an empty house. It isn't. Loneliness is realizing everyone you love already has somewhere they're supposed to be. And you're grateful they let you visit. But eventually... you go home. Alone. I don't dream about forever. I dream about having just one ordinary Tuesday where nobody has to leave.

People always assume that when you're single, you're looking for love. Marriage . Sex. A relationship. A future. Sometimes it isn't any of those things. Sometimes you just want someone to enjoy your company enough to want to do it again. That's it. Not because you're trying to move in. Not because you're trying to play house. Not because you're planning your future together. Just because it feels good knowing that somebody genuinely enjoys being around you. The older I get, the more I realize that's the part people overlook. Loneliness isn't always about sleeping in an empty bed. Sometimes it's eating dinner alone for the fifth night this week. Sometimes it's realizing your phone hasn't buzzed all day. Sometimes it's wondering if anybody would even notice if you disappeared for a weekend. And sometimes it's something as simple as asking someone if they'd like to grab dinner again. If they say yes, great. If they sa...