I Hate Feeling Helpless...and Whatever is Akin to it

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I woke up this morning in a blind rage. I'm not exaggerating that to paint some elaborate word picture. I mean it. I woke up this morning and I wanted to unleash hate on the world just to watch it burn. 

You've seen The Dark Knight, right? Batman movie with Heath Ledger as The Joker? Anyway, there's a line in it where Alfred tells Batman that some men just want to watch the world burn and that's exact how I would describe how I'm feeling. 

Then I started checking my phone. No sales on my website. No movement on the job front. Financially speaking I'm running on worse than fumes. At this point my bank accounts are full of hopes and dreams, which of course, doesn't pay the bills. 

My socials aren't really hitting on shit. Most of the stuff I post just ends up in the ether. Most days I feel like I'm just wasting my time because I'm not good at anything anyway. Sometimes I think I'm just not smart enough or funny enough. Who cares what I have to say, I'm a little broke mixed dude from the middle of nowhere. 

I post something for the day because I know I should for the sake of activity and then I put the phone down. I'm not fucking with social media today. I'm already in a foul mood and I don't need more of it. Plus I'm in no mood to be funny, nice, or cordial. I just want to take everyone's fragile happiness and shatter it, so that way everyone feels the way I do. Best to stay away from the general public.

At that point I just wanted to go back to sleep, but I can't...typical of mornings like these, you know? As soon as I shut my eyes and try to fall back to sleep I realize where I am. I'm at my mom's house in the middle of God's green nowhere and I don't have a car, which means I'm pretty much stuck. 

I can't even get out and go for a walk because there's nothing, but highway and trees. There's no sidewalk for 7 miles and when you get to that dusty no stop light town there's nothing to do. It's about a 30 mile drive one way just to get to the movies and I don't have a car, so imagine what looking for a job is like. 

I don't have a car, I live in the middle of nowhere, and throw on top of that there aren't even that many jobs in the area to begin with. Most of the people I know with decent paying jobs around here have a minimum 45 minute commute. How am I supposed to make a 45 minute commute when I don't have a car? It limits my options and it's not like there's someone sitting around here 24/7 just to take me to work. Nope, not even Uber or Lyft. 

I'm not sad about any of this. I'm not depressed. I'm angry. I'm angry that nothing I do seems to work. I'm angry that I feel like I'm always getting the short end of the stick. I'm angry that while I'm working my ass off to try and make money, there are people out there getting it simply because they asked for it. I'm angry that some of the shittiest human beings enjoy the best quality of life while myself, as well as other, struggle to barely afford cold cuts. 

I'm angry that everyday I wake up intent on trying just to feel like I'm getting nothing in return. I know others feel the same and that makes me even angrier. I feel helpless. I feel powerless. I feel like I can't do anything; for myself or anyone. 

And this isn't because I feel sorry for myself or want anyone to feel sorry for me. This is me walking you through my mind because I need people to understand me. I want people to know why I try so hard and the reason is there's nothing else I can do. 

Sure, I could feel sorry for myself and wait around for someone to give me a job, but I hate feeling helpless and that's what drives my need to do something-- to try something. I know life isn't perfect and the failure is part of the journey. I know that building something from the ground up takes time and hard work. That's why I keep trying. 

Days like today, it's tough. It's tough to keep those negative thoughts at bay, because they aren't wrong. They are accurate, but I can't fixate on what I don't have. I can't fixate on what didn't work yesterday. I have to focus whatever energy I have each day into whatever it is I need to do to just wake up and try. 

Today, I'm using all of the negative things I feel to get as much done today as I can and hopefully by the time I'm done the day will be done and I can start again tomorrow. 

If you read this all the way through I really appreciate you and would ask that you stop by and check out my website. You don't have to buy anything, I wish you would, but at the very least share it because even that little gesture helps. The more people that see my website, the more chances I might get a sale and that's all I ask. 

I'm not trying to get rich off selling t-shirts, I just want to get by so I can focus on doing comedy full-time and working to make TiggroAmigoMedia a household name. 


Link to my website: https://brandon-bs-merch-shop.myshopify.com/ 

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