Update for my Loyalists

I feel bad that I didn't do a podcast episode last week and feel bad that I don't feel like doing one this week. To be honest, every time I skip a podcast episode I left myself down more than anyone, but I think right now I'm going to put them on hold until I find another job, or get some money.

It's hard to keep motivated when I'm stressing about money and trying to find a job. I wish I had the support and freedom to just focus on making my media company a success, but when you don't have money to eat it takes away from your focus. 

I'm not sleeping well at night because my problems keep me up. Sometimes I'll stay up until I literally pass out and I know that's not good. I know that it's a sign that I'm depressed. I try to wake up every day and pretend everything is alright and I'm alright, but I'm not. 

Everyday it's a struggle to keep my wits about me. I woke up one morning recently, went out side, found a huge stick, and slammed it into a tree until I turned it into splinters. That's how frustrated I am. I don't know what to do. I ask for help, but no one really offers anything except platitudes and band aids. 

There's no one in my corner to help me do the heavy lifting, it's all just supposed to be me. I see people starting a GoFundMe and I think maybe I should do it. I need the help, however, I don't want to ask for money. I'd rather make the money than get a handout, but I can't even do that. 

Job application after job application and nothing since May. I had an interview for a job and I knew the lady wasn't going to call me back. I knew by the excuse she gave me and sure enough, I haven't heard anything since the phone interview. 

It's hard to shake the feeling of being worthless or that I have nothing to offer the world. It's hard screaming that need help and no one hearing me. I asked someone to pay $40/mo. to keep my website up so I'll be able to keep trying to make money that way. I was told no, so if I don't get $40 before the end of the month, my only source of income gets shut down; yet another failure on top of the growing list of failures. 

Then there's this pressure from people in my life to "get my shit together". I'm just expected to succeed like I'm some superhero or magician. I'm expected to make things happen with next to no help to do it. I wish I could just wake up and make things happen. I wish I could wake up and be a magnet for money. 

Everyday I wake up and I'm faking it. Some days I wake up feeling disappointed that death didn't come for me in my sleep because now I have to put myself through the grinder all over again. It takes a lot of energy to keep pretending. It takes a lot of energy pretending that I'm okay and that things are fine. 

I'm tired and I don't know what to do. I don't blame anyone for where I'm at in my life because I made the choices that led me down this path and we all know hindsight is 20/20. Maybe I should've made different choices. Maybe I should've taken more risks. I don't know because at the time I thought I was making responsible decision, but in the end I've still lost everything I spent my life working for. 

No car, no career, no place to live, and no money. Everything is just gone. I worked my ass of to acquire those things and one day I wake up and it's all gone. The last thing I had in life was the fact that I wasn't living with my mom and now look at me; here living with my mom. 

I'm 35 years old and people say shit like, "Oh you're still young." No I'm not. Let's be real about it, okay? I'm not young anymore. I'm a grown ass man that lives with his mom. I've pretty much given up on dating. Who wants a 35 year old man that lives with mom and can't afford to take them out on date? No one. A young person can get away with that shit, but a grown man? Nah, and I don't blame anyone for that, it's just the way it shakes out. 

Since 2019 people have been telling me "things will get better", but they haven't. The first thing to go was my relationship, then my car, then my apartment, and now I'm living at home in a dead end dying town that no one gives a fuck about. When did things get better? They just got progressively worse and worse. 

My credit is going to shit because I've got past due bills, my website is about to be taken down because I can't seem to make more than a few bucks here and there. Sometimes I think if I could just get a little bit of help or some fucking breathing room I can actually do something because all this shit is suffocating. Trying to carry the weight of everything on my own and trying to fix everything on my own it's lonely and tough. 

Somedays I don't even know why I get out of bed because nothing ever changes, but I do anyway. I wish I could just be happy again and not feel like this. I wish I had just enough help to get every thing back on track, but there's no one to save me; there's only me. 

So alone I walk this path, alone I bare my burdens, and alone I'll have to overcome, but it's hard taking a beating each and every day and getting back up. It's tough shaking off the criticism and pressure, but I must because there's no other choice.