Trying to Make Sense of Nothing Making Sense

Introduction to madness...

 The other day I saw a clip of Joe Rogan's podcast and in it he was saying that fame was hollow pursuit and that there's a difference between being famous for something you love or trying to be famous. He even admits that him saying it was a bit hypocritical, as if that should exclude him from someone saying anything to disagree with his point. 

I went to bed and woke up the next morning and I checked my bank account, not enough money, and after that I was just disinterested with life and wanted to go back to sleep. As I was laying there going back to sleep my mind started to reflect on that pearl of wisdom Rogan shared with us and how it makes no sense. Nothing makes any sense. Why would he say it's a hollow pursuit if it's a hypocritical statement? Doesn't that just make it something akin to do as I say and not as I do? I mean, who aspires to be a moderately successful actor? Most people want to be on the big screen. Who strives to be the practice squad quarterback for the New York Giants? 

That's when I started thinking about my own lack of success and how I have nothing to offer the world. I started thinking about how I alienate everyone in my life because my entire life has been nothing but a string of 3 - 4 years in one place and then we up and move. Start over somewhere else and those people I grew attached to no longer exist. I think about how some of the people I do know barely act like a friend. I'll invite them to chill and get some blank raincheck and then a few weeks will go by and then they'll need something and somehow I am relevant. I think about the times that I have reached out just to have someone to talk to just to be turned away or dismissed. 

The world at this point feels like a dark and cold place. Nothing makes any sense to me and I am sure at this point neither does this. Maybe it's not supposed to. Maybe it's just supposed to be some path to some form of enlighten or self awareness but whatever the case, I end up falling back to sleep. 

I finally end up scrapping myself out of my bed and I manage to plant myself squarely on the couch. As I am making breakfast that crushing loneliness feeling starts to set in even more and I start thinking about my past relationships. I start examining them and because I am in the very depressed mindstate I am just abnormally cruel to myself. 

I'm thinking about past relationships and thinking they've all failed because I am a failure. I am 32 years old and I have nothing to offer the world. I've accomplished nothing and so far all I've managed to do is mess my life up to a point where I am now looking at being evicted because I got laid off in April and haven't been able to find a job since. I've had somethings turn up but nothing is sticking. No job wants me so no woman is ever going to want to. 

At this point I am really going in on myself and I start thinking I am just this worthless mass that is about to be staying in his dad's one bedroom on the floor because I am failure. Now I am really just questioning my own existence. Why keep going? What's the point? You've been at this for 32 years and this is the best you could do and it's just not good enough. 

It's not until I realize that I have gone from making breakfast to watching Criminal Minds that I realize I am depressed. I knew it because I went from making food to just not caring anymore. I went from making sure I feed myself to stay alive to let's roll the dice and see how long I can just not give a fuck. So I sat there just watching Criminal Minds. 

I've always been someone that wears their emotions on their sleeve. I can't help it. I am animated, I am loud, and I just care a shit ton, so when something bothers me people tend to know about it whether I say something or the look on my face does. 

To say that I hate getting depressed would be and understatement, but with that being said, I've always known when I get depressed that I need to do something to occupy my mind because I have gone to the darkest side of it before. I've gone full on I give up on life. 

It was a few days after my ex had said she was done and that same day the job I was supposed to be getting called and said that they couldn't bring me on for budget reasons. I had a lease I just signed, I had a car payment, utilities and I had maybe $100 to my name. I felt like my life was over. I felt like there was no point to going on because it was game over. I couldn't find a single reason to keep going. 

I was alone in my apartment and I tied a noose using a couple shoelaces. I won't go any further into detail because I am cognizant that impressionable people might read this and find some inspiration to end their life and that's not what this is about. Anyway, as I sitting there suffocating I felt okay with going-- for about 10 seconds but it felt like 5 minutes. 

After a moment of being at peace with death I felt this overwhelming sadness for the people who would be crushed to find out that I had taken my own life. My sister, my dad, my mom, my brothers-- I just couldn't fathom leaving them like that and depriving them of the joy they felt knowing I was alive. The the joy they felt for having a big brother that they loved. 

It was in the moment I had something, at least for the moment to not to do this and so I got to my feet and I loosened the knot. I had a big ring around my neck. Luckily I didn't have to go anywhere so it really didn't matter. Later the night I somehow got it in my head that coloring was the only thing that would help me because every time I got in my head I would start down that dark road. 

There were some days that I would start coloring and it was light outside and I would end well after it was dark. Sometimes while I was coloring I would just start crying and one time I caught myself doing it and in that moment of clarity I realized my body was grieving but my mind was empty. I wasn't thinking about anything and it was that one tear that brought me such an immense feeling of clarity. 

So believe me when I tell you that I know how depression works and how fast you can spiral down that tunnel of darkness. It's scary facing that part of our humanity. It's scary thinking about our darker sides, and like I was saying before, I was just sitting on the couch watching Criminal Minds feeding my mind something to chew on before it consumes me. 

It's later in the evening and my dad comes over to hangout and for awhile I start feeling better but after he leaves I have to go back to numbing my mind. I avoid social media a much as I can, but I can't if something eats at me enough I will get it off my chest in one way or another. The reason I was avoiding social media is because I just didn't care. Like I said, I was depressed. You think I am going to keep up or entertain the Joneses when I don't even care about eating? Probably not. 

I got to bed and I wake up the next morning and I still don't feel any different. I wake up and I don't want to do anything because nothing I do is going to make me any money and even if I do make some money it won't be enough to pay the back rent I owe. As I am laying there on the couch I recall this conversation from the Netflix Peaky Blinders.

The most current season sees the main character, Thomas Shelby, battling his own demons and thoughts of suicide. There's one scene in one of the final episodes where he is having a conversation with Winston Churchill and Thomas says to him, "There are some nights where I think why carrying with any of it?" to which Churchill replies, "I put one cigar out and in an hour I want another. Sometimes the bridge between hours is just as fragile as that but use it anyway." 

That made perfect sense to me because the other day I was telling my dad as we were talking about the lottery that people will tune it to the drawing and be excited because that's there bridge for that day. For me is music, coloring, video games, or whatever I can do to challenge my mind in order to keep it from dwelling on things I can't control. At that moment I started feel a little better and not because I had some magically epiphany it's because at the end of the day the day it's all just a moment. Life are moments of happiness, sadness, angry, frustration, joy, and whatever other emotions you can think of and as with any moment it's fleeting-- by decompressing my mind it was able to find some clarity to alleviate some of that anguish I was feeling. 

As my mood started to improve I started reflecting on a past conversation I was having with my mom about past jobs. Most of my professional career has been spent as a recruiter for various companies and it's a job that I hated. The job just wasn't for me. If I had to equate it to anything I would say it's similar to sales. The only really difference is that I am not selling a product I am selling a person to an client for a job they need help with and while products don't always work the way they are supposed to people far less reliable. 

I would have candidates tell me they are interested in the job and I would set up and interview and they wouldn't show up. I had to fire people because they wouldn't show up to work and that wouldn't be a problem if I didn't work on commission. The more people I have working the more money I make but when I have to fire someone because they bullshitted me about their level of commitment it really pisses me off especially when I was working two jobs and they couldn't even manage to show up to one. 

I hate not being in control of things and as a recruiter you have almost no control over how a candidate will preform-- it's always a best guess scenario. One thing that would especially get me upset is how people would tell me that they didn't have a resume which was odd to me because they had an Indeed account. For those who don't know, if you have filled out your profiled completely and save it there is an option to download a copy of if in resume format. Something so simple yet people don't even take the time to look and have the nerve to ask me to give them a job because they have really good attention to detail. It's maddening to me and I would tell my mom these things and she always tells me something that pisses me off because I know she's right. 

My mom always tells me in those situations that I have to be patient with people because not everyone thinks like I do and not everyone knows what I know. She tells me that I have to show them and help them understand. I hate that because I have no desire to teach anyone shit because most people don't care anyway. I am the oldest of four siblings and this is where my loathing of being a teacher comes from because when I was a kid if my siblings did something, say for instance, like curse I would get blamed because I was the oldest and it had to have been something I taught them. 

It was extremely frustrating and to this day I don't like having to be the person to explain things to people or be in charge of a group because I know how people are and while I can get along with most people there are some people that I know for a fact will only get the message if I assert my dominance in a very public manner and some will take it as far as a physical confrontation. 

Back to what I was saying, I have no desire to teach anyone anything and I hate having to embrace this role of someone who feels the need to preach or something you know? How did I end up here? I am conflicted because I love expressing myself, I want to be writer, I want to do stand up comedy but I don't want to embrace my angry and contempt for having to be a teacher in whatever form and harness it to help people in my own way. 

 Embracing my Uniqueness

So I'm sitting there thinking about this idea of how I want to say all this stuff but I want to shy away from committing to it fully because I don't loathe having to explain things or be some sort of teacher. I don't see myself as role model. While I am thinking about this conflict I start thinking about what Deon Cole said in his stand up on Netflix, Cole Hearted, and how most of us don't even embrace how unique we are and that no one can do what we do. No one thinks exactly like someone else and we need that in the world. 

That coupled with my mom telling me that not everyone thinks like I do and all that good stuff and how I need to share it with people kind of sparked this whole thing. It's taken a long time to really understand how to embrace my uniqueness because there's always parts that I am trying to hide away from people, but in the end it hurts me more than it helps me because I am not as productive. I get self conscious and just stop despite the fact that I have some opinion that I feel might actually help someone. 

So if you've stuck around this long, I hope that this helps you. I hope that this brings you some clarity or maybe a new perspective to help you on your path clarity. 

The purpose to life

I can't tell you the purpose to life is anything more than to live it and that it's any more complicated than that. There are some that subscribe to religion or some higher purpose to give their life meaning but the truth is that at best our lives our self fulling prophecies. One day Lebron said he was going to be in the NBA and he did it. Was he destined for greatness? No, he went out and took it. I won't despite what the existence of God or if Lebron received his favor to gain his current status, but one thing no one can deny is that he had to choose that life and put in the work to achieve it. 

I won't being to tell you that you can easily find purpose in life by getting religion or by volunteering. The only thing I can tell you for certain is that your purpose in life should be somehow connected to what you love because in this life we have to make money to survive and if you have no purpose in life then you have to subject yourself to the workforce and have someone else give you a purpose until you figure it out. 

If you love playing videogames and you think your purpose is to make a video game then do it. If you feel you purpose is to run for office, do it because if it's something you're passionate about you will find a way to make it work and it will fulfill your life. It will bring you all the joys and more that life has to offer. 

Life is ugly

We all want life to be this nice neat little thing that makes perfect sense all the time but it doesn't. It's ugly, it's tough, and no one gets out alive. When something bad happens we want there to be some reason or purpose-- something that will somehow make us feel better but the truth is that nothing will make us feel better accept time. 

We like to pretend that if someone is murdered and the person who is responsible gets punished that will somehow make the situation okay or that the family of the victim can just instantly heal but the truth is that family will only heal with time. We like to tell ourselves that we would never do something but in reality most of us will never know because we won't ever find ourselves in those situations. Most of us like to think that if we were faced with some dangerous situation like in the movies we would do something different, but the fact is that being there is different than watching from a far. 

Elaborating a little further, people will look at a woman who was raped and ask her why she didn't tell someone or why didn't scream. Someone will even say that's what they would have done, but the truth is most people don't know what they would do in that situation and it callous to even ask someone why they didn't do whatever. 

We have to start accepting that life is just as ugly as it is beautiful. Birds are beautiful creatures but they still shit on your car causing you to have to take it to the wash. We have to start accepting that people are violent creatures and that some don't care about our societal rules. We have to start accepting that because pretending that it doesn't happen or that it doesn't happen often is what has lead to the problems you see today. 

You wonder how someone could get away with what Jeff Epstein did for so long because they all wanted to believe he was a good person without actually doing any homework on the guy. He donated to charities, police funds, had money and presented well. He checked all the boxes because no one thought for a second her would do such a thing. We all feel this false sense of security around people who do nice things and have money. People who do what Jeffrey Epstein did know that we like to live in this pretend world and they take full advantage. 

One more example, racists are out there and people still dismiss them as if they are a small few but that isn't the case. People dismiss it because black people had prior generations tell them the truth of how white people would treat them but white people weren't passing their stories of how they peed a black kid at school or how they would barely pay them. Those were stories that white people kept hidden because they knew it was messed up and if they talked about it that would make it real. Now you have half the population that admits it's a problem and half that doesn't because white people were pretending they weren't part of racist culture during a time when it was the thing for them to do. 

Embracing the ugly parts of life can be hard, but remember that for just as much ugly there is even more beauty; find it and hold on to it. 

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health

I spend a lot of time thinking about things because I am so opinionated and need answers. Sometimes when something is really bothering me I will pace around and just talk out loud until I come to some resolution. Sometimes I just need to numb my mind and forget about every thing-- sort of let my subconscious figure shit out in the background. 

The point is to find something to keep your mental health in check. If you feel like you can't find anything then find a professional to talk to that can see if there is some medicine you should be taking or maybe you should be talking to someone regularly. We all struggle with our mental health and for some the fight is more difficult than it is for others but under no circumstance should you ever feel like no one else is going through what you are going through because you're not. We all deal with money issues, love issues, body image, and whatever else you can think of but the only way to really enjoy life is make sure that you're happy living in you're own skin because it's the only one you're going to get. 

Love yourself for who you are, but work with what you got

One thing I don't understand is how women will listen to some famous woman talk about body positivity and loving yourself meanwhile that same famous woman has people making her meals, expensive make up, a personal trainer, and a hair stylist to keep her looking gorgeous.

While I understand the gesture I feel it's rather hollow considering Miss All about that Bass went and dropped all that weight and I thought she was perfectly beautiful the way she was. I get it, women don't do things for us but at the same time don't you? Don't we all take time to make sure that we look presentable to the world? Even the kids who claim to not care what they look like take some care into crafting an image they want the world to see. That being the case I completely understand why so many people have this false impression that we should just see past a person's looks and see them for who they are as a person when the truth is that everyone with eyeballs judges a person by the way they look. 

I'll give you a for instance, imagine you're on a roadtrip and your car breakdown in the middle of the God's green nowhere. You see a guy in a beat up truck pull up and at first you don't think anything of it but when he gets out he looks exactly like you would think a meth head would look and he starts walking toward you. 

You're probably not going to accept help from that guy, let's be honest. He's not going to be your new best friend after this heroic tale. We all use cues to judge whether or not we should talk to that person we think is attractive at the end of the bar or tell that guy with the really bad teeth you're just not that interested; whatever the case we're all superficial creatures and seek out those things that visually please us. No one in the history of humanity has gone anywhere and bought something because it was ugly. Even if the intent was to buy something ugly we will still find some value in that and we won't get what makes us feel too uncomfortable. 

While we're being honest about being superficial, looks are a completely subjective thing. Yes, there are people that will be widely regarded as attractive and there will be some that won't, but at the end of the day there are billions of people on this planet and just because one person doesn't find you attractive doesn't mean there won't be 10 other people that will. You have to put yourself in front of those people though or you won't even meet them. Another aspect to consider is that people who are considered attractive by a lot of people came to be known as such simply because they were exposed to a large number of people. Just because 10 million people think Jennifer Aniston is attractive doesn't mean there aren't 20 million who find her unattractive. 

Another stone cold fact about looks is that pretty people have it just as hard as less attractive people. I know the terminology sounds harsh but get over it, you're an old and if this is starting to hurt your feeling then don't worry, I've got a spot coming up for you next so sit tight and I'll be with you shortly. 

Anyway, attractive people have it just as hard as people who aren't as attractive. They deal with bad dates, people just using them for sex, and everything in between just like anyone else. Your dating plight isn't unique to you. There are probably a million other people with your exact dating woes that you're going through. I couldn't imagine being an attractive woman on Twitter. I mean, I have talked to several women on Twitter and they can tell you stories about some crazy shit men have sent them on Twitter as if it's no big deal. 

If you're someone that doesn't happen to very often you might think it would be so cool but I can imagine sometimes they come across a few and think that's not too bad but for the most part it got old fast. So don't think that just because someone gets a lot of attention that it's a good thing because stalkers are still a thing and just as dangerous as they've always been. 

Looks go along away is my overall point and no I am not telling anyone to overhaul their look or do something drastic. I am just saying being happy in your skin and work with your strengths. If someone tells you that you have pretty eyes find a why to craft a hairstyle that highlights your eyes; man or woman. The point is to work with those thing that accentuate the best parts of you. 

Here's a for instance. If someone tells you that you have a big forehead, and you know you have a big forehead, don't take it personally just find a hairstyle that you really like that accentuates a feature that isn't your forehead. Obviously that won't fix the forehead but at least it's not the first thing people notice. 

I know we all want to look good and emulate some of the latest fashion trends but we're all different and we need to embrace that as much as we can and learn what works best for us and what doesn't. All my life I have been shorter than most guys and I was always self conscious about it in High School. It wasn't until years later that I looked back and realized that most of the clothes I was wearing back then made me look even shorter. Now I wear better fitting clothes. It doesn't fix my height but it does make me not look shorter than I actually am. 

Even if you have to ask someone to help you come up with some ideas you need to work with what you got and embrace how unique you are because you never know you might end up being the new trend setter. 

Honesty doesn't set you free, but you also don't want to be labeled a liar

Honesty is just honesty. It doesn't set you free. It doesn't fix anything. It's just pure truth and one thing I know I try to do is be as honest as I can be because the last thing I want is someone saying that I am a liar or saying something that isn't true. 

Relationships are built on being honest-- romantic relationships especially because once that trust is gone there's no more relationship and I know sometimes there is a temptation to lie and hide the truth, but sometimes that's just as bad. I know that we want to say there are limits to how honest we should be with people but I am a firm believer that if you have a good relationship, friend or otherwise, you should be able to be honest with them no matter what. 

Now that doesn't mean you should just keep on telling your girl every time you cheat because it'll all work out, no. What I am saying is that if you are in a relationship with someone and you feel like you might want to cheat then that's the time to either break up with the person you are with or have a conversation with them about it. 

I am not saying that it will work out but the alternative could lead you to cheat and that person find and you're right where you wanted to avoid being in the first place. Some people might say it's bad advice but here's why I say be honest about it. 

Let's say there's a couple and things have gotten kind of stale in the bedroom. It's been a few month since they've been physical and the woman meets a guy a work that makes her feel sexy meanwhile the man is jerking off at work a few times a week because he's sexually frustrated. A few more months go by and the woman starts to feel like she wants to act on this attraction and the man starts to contemplate the merits of a divorce because he's not getting laid. 

One night she comes in and she tells him what's been going on with her and she explains that he hasn't been making her feel sexy and he tells her that he's been sexually frustrated the whole time and wondering why she won't put out. They talk it out and realize they've just been not filling each others needs. Sometimes a simple and honest conversation can fix a lot, but conversely, if the man had told the woman he was done simply because she had a thought I would say that the man wasn't meant for the woman because she was honest and he couldn't handle it. 

We need to find those people we can be honest with at all times and even if you have to find a therapist to talk to, remember I said mental is important, because letting things build up and not talking them out only lead to making bad choices, possibly burning out and then really losing you shit on everyone. 

Being honest with yourself is just as important as being honest with others and trying to convince yourself of things that simply aren't true only lead to a clouded perspective on life. If you wake up in the morning and tell yourself that the whole world hates and you thinks you're worthless you're just lying to yourself to reinforce that negative view when the truth is that the whole world can't hate you because the whole world hasn't met you and acknowledging that fact is being honest and will help you see that there are more than just the people immediately around you that reject you or make you feel bad in whatever way. 

At the end of the being completely honest is scary, but just remember that the people who can handle your level of honest are the people that should be in your life so keep them close. 

Don't let fear dictate the terms of your life

Alright people who like to hide from the world and pretend bad shit doesn't happen, this is your time to pay close attention. Stop letting fear dictate your life. Stop saying you're doing something to escape real life because whatever you are doing to "escape" is real life. 

There is no escaping real life and avoiding doesn't make it go way; all it does it continue on while you bury your head in the sand trying to act like the world isn't happening. If something scares you, bothers you, or makes you question it then find out why. 

One thing my mom used to tell me was that if something is bothering you figure out why and being that I was raised that way I tend to ask myself a lot of questions about why I feel a certain way. Whenever I get nervous about approaching an attractive woman I always ask myself "Why are you nervous? The worst thing she can say is no and there's nothing scary about the word no." 

In those moments I give myself that little pep talk because by the end of it I realize that I am just afraid of rejection and the reason I am afraid of rejection is because it sucks and thus I understand that fear and I have come to a place where I understand it. I am not saying doing this will make you fearless, but I am saying that by understanding what and why something makes you fearful you will have a better chance of overcoming it. 

To put it simply, try to understand your fears about the world and those things you hide from. Learn about what they are and why they scare you because in the end you might find a new perspective that will help you find courage you never imagined you'd have. 

Everything is earned

No one owes you anything in this life accept the freedom to live your life in peace and dignity but outside of that no one owes you anything. No one owes you even the simplest kindness of replying when you say hello and if you haven't learned that by now then listen up because here's your crash course. 

Don't get societies social norms and protocols conflated with someone being kind or having some sort of internet. Some people just hold a door because that's what they were taught was the polite thing to do for someone when they are coming through the door. To me that is a social norm and I don't read into that but some people will. 

That's what I mean by every thing is earned and how you earn is by doing things the right way. You hold the door open or pull out chair and expect nothing because it's nothing but a social dance we do to express some form of class and by doing this you earn a little bit of favor. The more you do those things for people you earn their trust, loyalty, admiration, and love but when you get it don't stop because people will notice those things and think you no longer care. 

Do things the right way and earn every thing because cutting corners only leads to problems down the road and the last thing you want is people turning on you because the only time you show them any sort of respect is when you want something in return. 

I said earlier that I alienate people because...

I mention earlier that I alienate people because I moved around a lot as a kid so I got into the habit of cutting ties with people for anything because I had learned from a young age that people come and go from your life. 

It's 100% an excuse and I think in order to rectify that I need to let people know who I am and get a little more insight into where I've been, things I've been through and overall just give people a better feeling for who I am sort of like a Wikipedia page for myself. 

Early Life

My parents were in the military when they met at Paris Island, South Carolina. My dad joined the Marine Corps when he was 17 to escape a life of poverty in Pennsylvania and my mom joined the Navy as soon as she was able to. 

They were both stationed at Paris Island when they met and shortly after they had me. About a year later they were married. 3 years after I was born they had my sister. Being that my mom was in the Navy she would be gone for months at a time and my dad would be working all day. At that time they weren't making a ton of money so they took my mom's parents house to stay until my mom got out of the Navy. 

I don't remember much of that time period little bits and pieces, but I do remember that after my parents picked us up we were set to move to Beaufort, South Carolina where my brother would be born. I was about 5 or 6 at the time. A lot of my early memories involved movies and early videogames. My parents were into videogames and I remember them playing while I would watch in awe of these bright colors and characters. 

We moved to California and I remember at that time really getting into sports. My dad would play catch with me a little bit and teach me some basketball moves. I go to school and show of my skills and I got rather good. I had some talent so my dad put me on a t-ball team. It was fun but I thought t-ball was kind of lame and I didn't fancy the idea of getting hit with a pitch so I stuck to basketball. 

I was never a very big kid especially when I started to play sports. A lot of the kids were always bigger and because I would always feel the need to ask to play sometimes they were older. I didn't get too upset when they were better than me because I enjoyed the challenge and just being one of them. Then I joined the flagged football team and in elementary school and I liked it but I still like basketball more. 

By the time we had moved to Arizona I was able to do chores and so I had to start cutting the grass. My dad had this mower that had two wheels and when you pushed it the blades spun. I was about 8 at the time and I was pushing around this lawn mower learning about responsibility. 

I remember the first time I got out there it was a patch of crabgrass or something, but it was hard for me to push the mower over it and I tried a bunch of times and I got so mad that I stopped and I marched inside to ask my dad for help. Boy would that turn out to be a huge mistake. First off this man immediately told me I had done a shit job and admittedly the lines weren't straight, and I was less than 10 minutes into the job but still, it was hot and it was only 8...lol. 

Anyways, by the end of it he had told me that if I am going to do something never half ass it and from that day forward I always put a little extra effort when the old man told me to do something because I knew that's all it would take to complete the task. The next life lesson he bestowed upon me was after a direct order to clean my room. I half assed it so I could go outside and play with my friends. I threw everything in the closet, threw the comforter overtop the disheveled bed to hide the mess and then I went back outside. Again, a mistake. He went outside and called my name. By the time I got close enough to see his face I knew I had fucked something up and it was a matter of time before I found out what. 

We went up to my room, he went straight to the closet and he opened up. My plan was foiled. He walked me through the room like his was inspecting his Marines' barracks and he let me have it. He looked at me and said if you're going to tell someone you did something make sure you do it right because if you mess up they won't trust you to do again. I understood what he meant. I cleaned my room the proper way from that day forward. 

My dad got orders to Naples, Italy and it would be my first time living outside of the country. We had to get passports, shots, and pack up all of our stuff again. I was just about to finish the 6th grade when we had to move. We got to Italy and at first I was little afraid but when we got their we met the First Sargent and he had a son around my age. 

We became really good friends and still actually talk to this day. We used to cause all kinds of mischief and I won't say I didn't help make the ideas feasible. If he had some crazy idea I would find some way to talk him into a way safe version of the idea but still wildly dangerous. In fact, I am surprised we walked away from some of the stuff we did without any major burns or injuries. 

He was my first real best friend. We were thick as thieves and always cooking up scheme to something. Especially if it had anything to do with girls. If there was going to be any chance of seeing girls count us in and we were going to find some girls to talk to. Typical adolescent shit, you know? Then my mom found this floppy disk that I had made with him. We were on the internet while his parents weren't home and we were downloading pictures of naked girls. I put some on the floppy because we didn't have internet I my house I could only play videogames on out computer. 

At that time I was big into videogames. I was playing FF8 on the computer, I had FF7 the Playstation and I played Madden a lot. So my mom found this floppy disk and one day I found myself home alone for a little bit and I popped that joker in to find clothes had been drawn on all of the pictures and the last image had a message "Remember that these are someone's daughters." A day later I guess my mom figured there's no way I hadn't found out what she had done so she came and talk to me. That was an awkward conversation but ultimately I learned about how I should respect women and their bodies. 

I am not going to sit here and lie to you and say that stopped me from looking at porn because it didn't. Just gave me another reason to appreciate it. These women, as far as I know, are showing their bodies because they want to and while they are doing it for my enjoyment women are a thing for my enjoyment. They are just like I am and they have dreams, feelings and aspirations; as they say "Happy wife, happy wife." It was something both of my parents would talk to me about at some point which is why I hold women in such high regard. 

Our time in Italy was great and I wouldn't change it for the world. I met some great locals, people from school, and saw places that most people will never see. It gave me a perspective on life that I wouldn't know benefited me to have until years later. 

My dad would get orders to Okinawa, Japan, and this would be the first time that we wouldn't be able to visit family before we move. See, when my dad would get orders he would take a month off of work to go home and visit family but since we were flying from Italy to Japan my parents didn't have the money to pay for 6 plane tickets. I guess I probably should have mentioned that before we moved from Arizona to Italy my mom found out she was pregnant with my youngest brother. 

He was born in Italy and we were all heading for our next adventure in Japan. I'll admit that moving to Japan was less scary than my first move, but it was almost like a different world. If you haven't been to Japan you won't know what I am talking about, but those who have will agree that it's almost a world outside of the world. 

Bright lights everywhere, humidity, and a variety of smells that have never graced my nose before. I was just finishing 8th grade when we got to Japan. I think I had like maybe a month or two left before summer. I basically finished all my classes before we moved from Italy so that way when I got there I would be done. It was weird going to school and just having to be there. 

It was cool though because I got to make friends before the summer. I remember we got of the bus and we were at the hotel where my family was staying and there was this big girl was walking in front of us and one of my friends thought it would be funny to say "Damn, that's a huge bitch!" It was a line from a popular movie at the time and I guess he thought he didn't say it that loud but the girl heard him and she wasn't far from her room. We had just gotten on to the elevator when she was telling her dad about what happened. 

By the time we got to my floor he was there at the doors waiting on us and boy did he give us an ear full. We walked out of the elevator laughing and it wasn't until I saw my mom standing in the hallway that the whole situation didn't seem all that funny. She told me I had to ride the school bus home from school and not the shuttle bus which drops off a little later and stops by the store on the way. First time I ever got in trouble for something I didn't even do. 

Okinawa from that point forward became my favorite place on Earth. It was where I grew up and really learned about making friends, being popular, and it was just an amazing experience. I wish I could go back. 

Anyway, I was starting high school and I was nervous but I was excited to make new friends. Moving around made me a lot more outgoing and it was easy for me to find friends to fit in with. My first year of high school I didn't make the basketball team, I was in band, and I spent most the soccer season on the bench because I got bad grades. My bad grades also lead to me being grounded pretty much all the time too. 

Didn't take long before I figured out to that just paying attention and doing the homework would cut down the amount of time I have to study if at all. Sophomore year I played soccer, still didn't make the basketball team, but I didn't care. I was hitting groove in high school and it was great. My junior year was really when I started to get into working on cars and hanging out with the drift crowd. We would go to competitions, drift tracks and we would even be drifting on the vacant streets. 

First time I had a brush with the cops was in Japan. We were drifting at this empty industrial strip. there was one section that was a perfect square, there we no streets lights or traffic. We would have some spotters watch road and signal when it was clear for someone to start their run. We had just finished a lap and we were coming back around to get in line when we saw the spotter flash the lights. 

We broke the line and headed to a back road where we could hide out. We thought we had made it before the cop saw us but he caught us just pulling in. We had just lit up a cigarette when they pulled up and they came up the car to ask what we were doing. We looked at each other and said we were watching the cars drift. They asked what cars they were and we gave them bogus descriptions and they told us to piss off because it was private property. 

Next time we would be at another drift spot. This one was a lot bigger and gets hit by the cops all the time. We were out there just watching but like I said the cops hit this place all the time and they don't care if you're just watching. I was standing there and I heard sirens. I asked my buddy if I he heard them he said no, but from that point I was on alert. I would be about another 10 minutes before anyone else would hear the sirens and see lights but as soon as we heard it for sure I told him we should have headed to car. 

We were full on sprinting in flip flops to his Skyline. I didn't even open the door I just jumped the open window and we hauled ass out of there. Such a fun night. I had so many fun nights in Okinawa and it now it all just feels like it was some movie I watched. 

I graduated high school and we moved back to the states in 2006. I had no clue what to do with my life but it was a new chapter: Adulthood. 

College and Work

When I graduated high school I had no idea what I wanted to do so I went to community college and got a job. I did that for awhile before I realized it was a dead end so I decided that going to college full time was the best option. I would find out that this wasn't the case. 

I got to Lynchburg College at the age 21. Took me awhile to get their but I finally did it and I was ready for the challenge. I joined a fraternity and eventually held an executive board member position. I had a great college life. Lots of wild and crazy night with my brothers. Some night of frustration with my lack of romantic success. The triumph of passing a difficult class. I experienced a lot of things and I wouldn't have done it had I not gone to college. 

One thing I wish I would have done differently though is focus on a career path more versus just focusing on completing the college path. I'll explain. When I graduated college I knew finding a job was going to be hard but I didn't imagine that it would be as difficult as it was especially after all the stuff people said about going to college. I'll be honest, I have been struggling just as much after graduating college as I was before I went to college. 

I did an earlier post in which I explain in detail my experience working after college, and to sum it up I wish that I had done things one of two ways. I wish I hadn't gone to college and just focused on videogames, writing, and doing standup comedy because those are things that fit my life and interests which wouldn't have made the struggle any easier, but I wish I would have started that struggle earlier in life because by now I could be where some of these famous people are and all that hard work would have paid off versus wasting all that time going to college and trying to make a career I absolutely hate work until I find my dream job. 

The second way I wish I would have done it was to focus on those things when I was in college because I had the time and way less financial obligations so I would have been able to spend my free time building an audience for any or all of those ventures but I didn't, and I learned the hard way that no matter what you choose to do it takes a lot of work and practice to make a lot of money at it. 

To say the I regret going to college would be an overstatement because the only thing I wish is that I had focused more on entertainment, writing, gaming, computers, and how I can make money from those things because the more I learn about the history of eSports or hear how one standup comedic was in the exact same situation as myself but they got an earlier jump on it and now have their own special on Netflix. 

I think of how it could be me one day but it sucks that I have to focus on finding a certain amount of money because of certain financial obligations. If I had to take a job writing for $8/hr. I'd be happy as clam because at least someone is giving me an opportunity but $8/hr. doesn't pay the bills and neither do unpaid internships. I think about stuff like this all the time and I don't think I've ever wanted to be rich, I think I just knew that it came with success in the industry and the reason I mention it because money doesn't motivate me the way it motivates others. 

Obviously I want money but I want to make it my way and doing something I love doing because I have tried doing the way others have done it and I hate it. That being the case I know I have to find a way to get the career I want but I know I need money. It's hard to balance that in a world where people don't care about your personal needs they just care about getting work from you while spending the least amount of money. 

It's hard to maintain an attitude of money not mattering when it really does because without it you'll find it very hard to survive. I think our society has made us money crazy and it leads a lot of people to become depressed because when you need more money and you're already working two jobs and it's not enough you burn out trying to get by and maintain a smile on your face. 

It takes a toll on your mentally and physically when you're working so hard to make money just to come up short and the world makes you feel like its your fault because we don't want some corporate office job, to sell stuff or whatever job people deem is worth paying more for. 

Sometimes it's the reason I don't write or produce content because I know anything I do isn't going to make me any money. The time I invested into this won't be compensated. The time I spend in Tweeting is the same way. I don't give up on it, but I do want to say fuck it all some times because I am not making any money and I know I have to start out and earn my stripes but bills don't care about all that. 

I know I keep going in circles about the money thing that's was kind a the point. I said earlier that I wish I had gone through this struggle earlier and this is the reason. Most everyone makes very little money when they first start something and it takes time to build and it's very frustrating when you have to divide half of your time between something you don't want and something you do especially when most of the time the first thing doesn't even pay what you want in the first place so you're constantly having to keep finding ways to make extra money which takes away from time you spend on your side stuff. Back when I was living at home with my parents or in college it wouldn't have been a big deal because I had 0 financial obligations and now I have a bunch. 

This is why I said find your purpose in life by examining the things in life you love because we spend our lives working and taking it from me when I say that no matter what it will always be a struggle but the different is that everything you do with it will be 100% something you want and it when things are going well it won't seem like work at all. It'll seem like just getting something you've always wanted to do done. 

My view on religion

I did a post about religion which explain a little more about my ideas when it comes to religion, but my mom had us in the church whenever the doors were open. I couldn't stand it because it was boring and I honestly just didn't care. When we moved to Okinawa the only reason I cared about church was because I had friends to hangout with that were just like me. We weren't like the goodie two shoes kids in church. We were the cool high school kids that pretty much did whatever we wanted but when we were there we played our roles to avoid suspicion of any wrong doing. 

When I turned 18 I finally told my mom I wasn't going to church anymore and I think she blamed my dad because he stopped going to church as well but it was my own choice and I told her that. I just didn't see the point of going somewhere just to fake something I care nothing about. My mom would tell me I need to go up there and teach the younger kids. I told her no thanks, I'll roll the dice and see if there's a hell or not. 

At that time my views on the world were a lot different than they are now and I think that shows my personal growth. Back then I thought that being gay was a choice just like people choose to have anal sex. It was just something that people had the desire to do and that if they wanted they could just not. It wouldn't be until years later in a gender studies class in college that I learned that I wasn't technically wrong I was just explaining it wrong. 

People do actually have the desire to be gay the only thing I got wrong was that it's not something people just choose not to do. To choose not to do it would mean people were denying who they are. I had to really explore why I had the idea in the first place and I think it's because I was raised in the church and in my mind I still somehow subscribed to the bible's version of things. 

What I mean is that I thought being gay was a sin and people could choose not to sin, therefore when I left the church all I did was drop sin and make seem like it was a fetish like sucking toes or something. No, these people wake up and know when they see someone of the same sex that they are attracted to they have a genuine romantic desire to get to know that person and it's completely natural. 

Being that I had this altered definition, I had to assume that most of my understanding of what is natural was conflated to what the bible had taught me was natural. Being gay is natural which is why we want to do it. If if  wasn't natural we wouldn't want to do it but because the bible says it's a sin and two people of the same sex can't make a baby it's deemed unnatural. 

As I started to really strip religion away from my understanding of things I started to realize that it was mighty convenient that the bible says to obey the government because god put it there. Why would god need to tell us to obey the government if the government is already of god? I think it was at that moment that I truly believe that religion came about as a way to control the masses for a common goal. 

One reason I thought this early on was because Constantine was only baptized on his death bed. Some say that the only reason he did so was because he believed in religious tolerance. Some will say that he did it as a last act to keep the people united after his death. Either way the end result would have been the same. Obviously that isn't a story in the bible but it is important because these people were alive during that time period if someone could so clever then I can't imagine someone wasn't clever before then. 

Again, this is all my take but ultimately I believe that man has corrupted the practice of religion and what we have today probably wasn't nearly the same as it was when it first started because I can't imagine a God those claims to love his children and would make them gay and tell them to resist that urge on top of all of the other worldly sins. Sounds like God expects way too much of his kids. 

I don't want to dissuade anyone from practicing a religion but I just want to encourage people to be cognizant of the fact that you can be tolerate and I am sure that whatever religion you believe in or choose to believe in will call you to be so because God is all about love in the end. 

The End

 If you've gotten this far congrats for making it through that rambling mess and I hope your prize at the end is something worth knowing. I hope it's something worth taking and sharing because I've got so much to offer the world and I am going to offer it up my way and on my terms. I am going to give the world everything I can because I care and if take anything any from this it should be that-- the simple fact that I do care and I have a lot to share. Some if it will make you laugh. Some of it will make you angry but the point is to get you to feel something and to take something positive away from this. 

I'm done now. Go forth and take whatever knowledge or insight you've gained from this put it to good use and remember that no matter how ugly life gets there's so much more beauty in it and you're never alone you just have to reach out to someone. Sometimes it takes a few tries but someone will grab your hand and help you along to safer ground. 

Love, peace and chicken, Bitches.